I still remember my 'tour' into the world of teaching. A teacher transformed my life, I was really inspired by her, I felt convicted by a speaker's message at a Teacher's Day celebration about how a teacher touches lives, and I felt like God was calling me to be a teacher.

After this week, I feel like maybe those moments were just a dream. An illusion. i honestly feel like throwing parts of those moments into the rubbish bin. Most of it may mean nothing now. Touch lives? really? Do I really want to be a teacher? was I a fool for thinking I wanted to be a teacher or I would be a great teacher? Was I fooling myself?

Warning: Possibly discouraging post ahead.

Context: i have just finished four days of visiting a secondary school. The school is of a low decile - students come from low socio-economic backgrounds.

I have been following class X for four days. i sit in all their lessons as an observer and help out a bit with their individual work when I can.

Two students - Girls A and B are very nice. Very nice girls. Very thoughtful, caring girls. but too bad, they don't seem to like studying much.

I'd never realised how much my Convent upbringing influenced my values and perception of how school should be like, until i visited this school. Flashback to my Convent school days: We walk in rows. Kalau bising, cikgu marah. Naik tangga mesti senyap. Bila cikgu masuk kelas, semua mesti duduk diam-diam, bersedia dengan buku dan alat tulis. Buku mengandungi ilmu. Cikgu juga memberi ilmu. Mesti hormat cikgu dan buku. Kalau cikgu marah, walaupun bukan salah kamu, diam dan jangan jawab!

Today. Now. in Class X. When Teachers C and D teach, they are quite attentive and don't fool around so much. There's still talking and noise, but no shoving each other or moving around the room so much. When other teachers teach, e.g. Teacher Z gives out the handout. A few students sit there and don't even bother to touch the paper. Student T doesn't even have a pen / pencil to write with. Not just one day, but every day. Every time the teacher wants to speak, the teacher has to keep on trying to get the students' attention. When the teacher explains to the class, Student W doesn't pay attention. Lepas itu, tak faham and don't bother to try doing. And the teacher still patiently comes over to Student W's table to explain.

Yesterday, during Math class, i approached student S. He was sitting by himself and not doing anything. I asked if he understood. He said not really. I explained and checked with him several times whether he could follow my explanation. He said ok. Lepas terangkan, I pun suruh dia buat latihan yang cikgu dia suruh buat. He said he didn't want to. I said why not? So i sat next to him and started doing the exercise on my own sheet of paper. After awhile, he started doing a few questions. Then, belum habis, he went back to drawing his robot. I know his drawing very cantik, but boy, it's not drawing class, it's math class!

I saw student X tear up his exercise book and throw it into the bin. I saw a few students eating in class, like nobody's business. I saw student E showing his middle finger to student F. I hear the f word several times.

These kids are 12-13 years old.

Gosh. I really, really got culture shock, which makes me wonder: do I really want to be a teacher?

But I also noticed that every teacher has their own classroom management styles. Cikgu C explains her expectations very clearly. When they are violated, there are very clear consequences. She means what she says and says what she means. The kids have to write a note home to their parents and get 2 detentions for not doing their homework. In her class, they are well-behaved.

is this a case of budak-budak nakal, mo tak kao, or is this a case of knowing how to tailor your classroom management techniques to the class? Or is it that the subject is boring and they don't like it, so they refuse to pay attention? or content is too difficult?

Jadi cikgu bukan senang.

Think twice before you decide to become one.

i can't change career now. Beratus ribu kena bayar balik nanti.

I need to learn effective CM techniques. i need to learn to build rapport with students. I need to learn lots of practical things! Desire to touch lives will remain a dream without these practical tools and skills.

Betulkah nak jadi cikgu? It feels intimidating. Will I survive when thrown into the classroom from hell?

But then again, the classroom from hell becomes classroom from heaven in the hands of an assertive teacher

Any thoughts?