I still remember my 'tour' into the world of teaching. A teacher transformed my life, I was really inspired by her, I felt convicted by a speaker's message at a Teacher's Day celebration about how a teacher touches lives, and I felt like God was calling me to be a teacher.

After this week, I feel like maybe those moments were just a dream. An illusion. i honestly feel like throwing parts of those moments into the rubbish bin. Most of it may mean nothing now. Touch lives? really? Do I really want to be a teacher? was I a fool for thinking I wanted to be a teacher or I would be a great teacher? Was I fooling myself?

Warning: Possibly discouraging post ahead.

Context: i have just finished four days of visiting a secondary school. The school is of a low decile - students come from low socio-economic backgrounds.

I have been following class X for four days. i sit in all their lessons as an observer and help out a bit with their individual work when I can.

Two students - Girls A and B are very nice. Very nice girls. Very thoughtful, caring girls. but too bad, they don't seem to like studying much.

I'd never realised how much my Convent upbringing influenced my values and perception of how school should be like, until i visited this school. Flashback to my Convent school days: We walk in rows. Kalau bising, cikgu marah. Naik tangga mesti senyap. Bila cikgu masuk kelas, semua mesti duduk diam-diam, bersedia dengan buku dan alat tulis. Buku mengandungi ilmu. Cikgu juga memberi ilmu. Mesti hormat cikgu dan buku. Kalau cikgu marah, walaupun bukan salah kamu, diam dan jangan jawab!

Today. Now. in Class X. When Teachers C and D teach, they are quite attentive and don't fool around so much. There's still talking and noise, but no shoving each other or moving around the room so much. When other teachers teach, e.g. Teacher Z gives out the handout. A few students sit there and don't even bother to touch the paper. Student T doesn't even have a pen / pencil to write with. Not just one day, but every day. Every time the teacher wants to speak, the teacher has to keep on trying to get the students' attention. When the teacher explains to the class, Student W doesn't pay attention. Lepas itu, tak faham and don't bother to try doing. And the teacher still patiently comes over to Student W's table to explain.

Yesterday, during Math class, i approached student S. He was sitting by himself and not doing anything. I asked if he understood. He said not really. I explained and checked with him several times whether he could follow my explanation. He said ok. Lepas terangkan, I pun suruh dia buat latihan yang cikgu dia suruh buat. He said he didn't want to. I said why not? So i sat next to him and started doing the exercise on my own sheet of paper. After awhile, he started doing a few questions. Then, belum habis, he went back to drawing his robot. I know his drawing very cantik, but boy, it's not drawing class, it's math class!

I saw student X tear up his exercise book and throw it into the bin. I saw a few students eating in class, like nobody's business. I saw student E showing his middle finger to student F. I hear the f word several times.

These kids are 12-13 years old.

Gosh. I really, really got culture shock, which makes me wonder: do I really want to be a teacher?

But I also noticed that every teacher has their own classroom management styles. Cikgu C explains her expectations very clearly. When they are violated, there are very clear consequences. She means what she says and says what she means. The kids have to write a note home to their parents and get 2 detentions for not doing their homework. In her class, they are well-behaved.

is this a case of budak-budak nakal, mo tak kao, or is this a case of knowing how to tailor your classroom management techniques to the class? Or is it that the subject is boring and they don't like it, so they refuse to pay attention? or content is too difficult?

Jadi cikgu bukan senang.

Think twice before you decide to become one.

i can't change career now. Beratus ribu kena bayar balik nanti.

I need to learn effective CM techniques. i need to learn to build rapport with students. I need to learn lots of practical things! Desire to touch lives will remain a dream without these practical tools and skills.

Betulkah nak jadi cikgu? It feels intimidating. Will I survive when thrown into the classroom from hell?

But then again, the classroom from hell becomes classroom from heaven in the hands of an assertive teacher

Any thoughts?

Finally, I finished my last assignment for Trimester 1 2009. I am officially free now! =)

I'm kinda tired of assignments. I think I need a break. I should give myself a good break during this hols. I have one month of holidays but there will be other things occupying some of that time, which is good. I really should schedule my holiday time - some time for time off, some for conference and all that kind of stuff, catching up, etc. Ooh.. finally, I can now start scheduling what to do during this hols. Too sleepy to think now though.

5 months left. I feel like I'm half here and half not here. There's this sense that I'm going home soon, really soon, and looking forward to it. There's also this sense of 'Oh no, all that fun is going to come to an end soon..'

My ex-roomie is here for a visit. Really so happy to see her again. Seeing her again makes it feel like this is IPBA all over again, in a nice way =) Makes it feel like the good old IPBA days with the good old gang.. Gives me a sense of familiarity once again, which is comforting =)

I've tried my best to enjoy every moment here, to make the most of it. I think I now know more people than I've ever known in my entire 22 years of life. I feel comfortable with people here, hang out with them, etc. I'm happy, and I'm enjoying it. But sometimes, I miss that sense of familiarity. I miss that sense of things old and familiar, nice and comforting. I haven't missed that for quite awhile, but it's starting to come back again now that I realise there's only 5 months left and I'm not going to be here for very long.

Today, I sat next to 2 Chinese-ed people at church. Talking to them in Mandarin, and the uncle inviting me to the Chinese lifegroup brought back memories of my childhood in Galilee. I think in some ways, I miss that. That is a part of my childhood that I still treasure. Imagine spending 8 years of your life in that one church. It was really good, and I treasure those memories. I thought of Ps Sharon. I recalled the songs we sang. I recalled the clapping and joyful worship, and singing our hearts out. On my way home, I tried to recall what the books of the Bible were, in Mandarin. I still remember quite a lot of them =) Come to think of it, only God could have known His purpose for placing me wherever He did place me. I'm planning to check out the Chinese lifegroup just for old times sake, out of a sense of curiosity as well.

Nothing remains the same. Everything changes, except God. Good things in the past remain as memories. There are things that we really enjoy in life, but when those things are over, all you have left are memories. All you hang onto are memories. The peer group I grew up with in Galilee are now all over the world. Keat is in US, Ben just went back to Muar, Eric is still in Muar, Yap Long is studying somewhere, Tiffany is studying somewhere.

Memories.. is that all we have left?

It's time for a retreat. It's time to smell the roses, to sit by the pond, to just be still once more.. =) Best part is, I have the time to do it! =)

This week has been an educational one. I learnt many lessons.

I learnt that people do things to please God, not to please me. Therefore, I don't have to be happy with other people's working style. If God is happy with them, who am I to be upset?

I learnt that poverty is more than just a word. There is a reason why I learn at uni that academic achievement is linked to SES. There is a reason why I learn that poverty is a vicious cycle; that youth who do well do well because they have ample resources accessible; that those who do not do well lack resources. There is a reason why I learn that reality is so cruel. Yes, reality is cruel, but God isn't.

Today at church, we learnt about Psalm 113:5-9. God who sits 'up there' has a big heart for the poor; He raises them up from the dust, and He sits them with princes.

I am reminded that I am, and will be, involved in a ministry of hope. A ministry of giving hope to people who may not see any future for themselves. Make a difference in the life of one person, and it does make a huge impact. Poverty is a reality of life, and there's heaps of people who go through it. Sure, we can't change the whole world, but you can make a difference in the life of one child. And it makes a whole lot of difference. When I did not see any future for myself, someone saw a future for me. And it made a whole lot of difference. It meant the world to me, and you can still see the impact in my life today.

To know God is to love the poor and present the cause of the oppressed and needy.. (can't remember the name of the guy who said this)

Do you agree?

The LORD who created the heavens and the earth, who sent Jesus to die for our sins, has a big heart for the needy. How should we respond in light of this? How should that change the way we manage our resources - time, money, etc?

What do we see when we look at another person? What are we seeing, and what should we be seeing?

To all educators out there, you are involved in a ministry of hope =) And to everyone else out there, you too, are involved in a ministry of hope. The roots of it, is in the hope offered to us by Jesus Christ, an everlasting hope that will never die..

We were in the same Sunday school, art class and kindergarten. But different class in kindergarten.

From Std3-6, we were classmates.

From form 1-3, we were classmates.

In Form 1 or 2, you were hobbling at school because of a slight leg injury. Every time we sat in the dewan terbuka, we'd get you a chair because you couldn't duduk bersila. And I'd sit at the back near you.

I think I had an injury of some sort as well in secondary school, and you helped me.

When I went through tough times, you wrote me comforting letters, encouraging me with Bible verses.

Every year in secondary school, we gave each other self-made birthday cards.

I spaced out a bit in upper forms due to other things, but you accepted me anyway, and you still regarded me as your best friend.

When we finished school, we went separate ways. But the friendship was intact.

You've been with me through thick and thin. Through the years.. you've been walking with me, even though we were in different places.

At POTs conference, the sessions triggered some stuff for me. You were there for me through it all, despite us not seeing each other for awhile.

You're the best. You coined the term BFF, and I fully agree with you. You proved to me that friendships do last forever.

I thank God for you. I praise God for our friendship, and I pray that He will continue to be the LORD and Master over this friendship.

I really do miss you..

My room looks like a tornado just struck. Stuff on the floor.. quite messy. Symptoms of assignment peak time.. muahaha

I got past the most critical part in the assignment. Now tinggal tambah references and editing. I think i need a short break.

I'm quite happy. Yay! One almost down, one more to go. Then... MERDEKA! =D

The good things that happened today: I had a nice lunch with nice people. We all crowded into Cinta restaurant. Two tables.. muahaha. I made a lot of progress with my assignment. 85% complete. Gotta finish up the remaining 15% in the next few hours, then go sleep. Yay! No class tomorrow. No class for a month. Yay!

Designing a lesson is actually quite fun. Now I'm looking forward to becoming a teacher. I know, the teachers out there will say it's not ideal... but let me stay in my nice little fluffy bubble for awhile.. =)

Been searching for a church for the past 2 months. Erk.. or has it been 3 months already? When I first came to NZ, I didn't really search. I just went wherever friends went. I went to Lifepoint today. It's an AOG church. In my search, I realise that I really do miss GTPJ. I miss Dan Liew, Flora, Adrian, Sue, Karen, PJK. It's my second year in NZ and I still take comfort in listening to PJK's sermons. Glad that it's downloadable from the website. I must say I really like PJK's sermons. I like her style of talking. She speaks with such passion. Gosh, I shouldn't glorify a preacher. The message matters more. But I guess, what I'm really saying is, I miss GTPJ.

I've been going to Arise ever since I came to NZ, and I only stopped going 3 months ago. I think I was too quick to settle on a particular church. Perhaps I should have given myself more time to explore last year. But then again, it is quite daunting to explore churches when you are in a totally new place and have to adapt to so many things. Exploring now, doesn't really disturb my sense of security so much because I already have a fixed social network here. The best part is, when I go to The Street or Elim or Lifepoint, there are friends there. Why? Thanks to the lovely TSCF-ICF-CU network.

I've never really believed in the acquaintance-friend distinction. But lately, it dawned on me that it might be true. You might be quick to get close to people in a short time, but the relationships may not be deep enough to foster mutual trust - the deep kind of trust where you feel perfectly secure, that you know you will be accepted no matter what. The kind of trust and love that really drives out all fear. And that realisation makes me realise that I need to appreciate some people more. I miss you, and sometimes I wish you were here.

I miss AA, I miss SGD. Friendship that stands the test of time, friendship that endures even when we're oceans apart... priceless. Friendship that is still there even though I change and you change, but it's a process of growth..

People who know me before and after. That's what's priceless now..

Money is not everything. Money cannot buy relationships.

No wonder the song goes Jesus lover of my soul, I will never let You go..

Just a random thought. If I were ever to get married, I'd want to marry a guy with whom I share a deep friendship. One that has stood the test of time. One that is proven to be true through the years. If you cannot love and accept each other unconditionally as friends, forget about becoming soulmates. All that stuff about feelings, in my opinion, may just be temporary, fleeting things. Just my personal opinion. And I'm not saying it applies to everyone. I'd substitute the term falling in love with building relationships. It's just like building a house. You've got to lay the foundations and build it, brick by brick. If someone whom I think doesn't know me well ever claims to like me, or fall in love with me, my response would be 'You don't even know me well, how can you claim to like me or fall in love with me?' If you know me, you know my strengths and my weaknesses, and you've seen me at my strongest and weakest points, then that claim would be more valid.

After the last assignment is done, I'd like to go sit on a rock again. And ponder.. ponder.. ponder.. =) The duck pond awaits me. The peace flame awaits me. The roses are just waiting for me to smell them (Wait.. I hope they are still there..)

Duck pond, peace flame, roses... I'm coming! =)